18 – And now, of course, it’s worse. A tremendous ball by Gunnarsson lands on the instep of Birkir Saevearsson who knocks it back first time to Johann Gudmundsson. He notices, as one might, that Iceland’s most creative and well known player, Gylfi Sigurdsson, is inexplicably unmarked on the edge of the box and he slips the ball through. Eric Dier and Dele Alli react like drunk men trying to catch dropped kebabs and the ball is moved on to Jon Bodvarsson who is granted enough time for a dodgy first touch and a quick pass to Kolbeinn Sigthorsson. The shot, such as it is, skids off the ground three times and still worms its way past Joe Hart. This is horrible and Hart agrees, punching himself in the head.
22 – England’s response is pitiful. At every turn, they seek the safest option, passing the ball backwards with no intention of taking the game to Iceland.
25 – England tire of playing safety passes and smash the ball ahead of Kyle Walker. It runs out of play before he can reach it. Then they do the same again.
28 – Finally, a bold and quick-witted attack from England. Sterling, Kane and Alli link up and then release Sturridge, his cross is sent to the back of the box and Kane’s powerful shot is just tipped over the bar. That was much better.
33 – England are pushing on now, but for all the possession, proper chances aren’t forthcoming. This is not a concern for Iceland, who go close when Ari Skulason spanks one just wide of Joe Hart’s post.
45 – And that’s half time. Yes, England are losing and yes, they have been unspeakably awful in places, and yes, there is a level of individual cowardice on display that brings the taste of vomit to the mouth, but…erm…I forget what my original point was.
46 – Jack Wilshere is on for Eric Dier. Gary Cahill plays him a simple pass. Wilshere allows it to roll underneath his foot. Fortunately, it ends up at the feet of Danny Rose.
47 – Rooney needlessly blasts a pass at Sturridge who fails to control it and then gets booked trying to rectify the situation.
52 – Rooney tries to play a five yard pass to Sturridge, but misses him by some distance and gives the ball away.
55 – From a corner, Iceland win two headers in the England box and then Ragnar Sigurdsson fires an overhead kick right down Hart’s throat. It should be 3-1 to Iceland.
61 – This is so much worse on a second viewing. Rooney may as well be wearing a pair of Crocs for all the control he has over the ball. A slow, three yard pass from Wilshere bounces off the top of his foot and straight to Arnason.
66 – England win a free kick about 35 yards out. Harry Kane runs up, attempts a Ronaldo-style up-and-down howitzer and succeeds only in spanking it well wide.
67 – Oh, I remember this bit. It’s when I started howling with laughter. Rooney runs at Sigurdsson, fakes left, fakes right and then jabs the ball into his ankles. Sweet mercy.
69 – I can’t keep writing that Rooney keeps giving the ball away. It’s going to look like bullying. But he does. He really does. They should set this match to circus music and then release it as a special DVD.
70 – Jamie Vardy is put through by Kane, but Sigurdsson launches into what might have been the best tackle of the tournament and the chance is gone.
74 – Oh God, I think I must have blanked most of this from my memory. Some kind of instinctive act of self-preservation. How can they be so bad? They earn so much money from playing football, why can’t they even control one when it rolls towards them?
83 – Argh! It’s not even funny now. Just make it stop! Make it stop!
87 – The Harry Kane free-kick. It’s like a piece of art. The more you look at it, the more you can see in it. In the name of all that is holy, how are they so bad at football? The darkness is descending. I need to get out of this office. I think I’m going to faint.
FT – It’s over. That was…horrible. I remember how we all walked around blank-faced in Nice, unable to comprehend what we’d just witnessed. There is a fear sometimes when you cover a game, an anxiety swirling inside you that you might have misread it, that you might have been too harsh, that you might have been subconsciously making it out to have been worse than it was because it makes for a better article. But if anything, I don’t think I was harsh enough. That wasn’t just bad, that was profoundly unsettling. I never want to watch that again. I never want to watch England again. Just leave me alone for a bit. Just get out. Leave me. Leave me alone.